Thursday, November 27, 2003 ::: thanxgiving rating: overall "ehn"
food was good. took a nap. nap was good. went to wal-mart like WAY too many times in 1 day. a little drama around that 1. davis wouldn't speak to dad [not to mention it sucked not having him there & he's all in pain and whatnot cuz of his ankle/foot being broken].
i realize w/ all that's happened thru the past year or so, i really do have a lot to be thankful for. i have great friends...i can't even begin to put into words what needs to be said...jk lg ss ah mw hs sp bv dd lm...so many more...i realize sometimes i'm an ass, and i've gotten accustomed to being labeled that role. but i know i shouldn't be like that most of the time, and i'm working on it [i really am]. i just wanna thank every1 for putting up w/ me & keeping me in check!
so...i was eating dinner in the dining room w/ mom's sisters and grandmamma...and grandmamma asked me if i had a girlfriend. [i just knew this was going to happen].
and i said, "no"
"well, are ya lookin for 1?"
"no"
"aren't u interrested?"
"not really"
"not even a little?"
"nope"
"well, are what r u interrested in? u'r not interrested in boys, are ya?"
and i looked at her... she said, "r u telling me something?"
*shrug* "u asked"
"lee, r u telling me something?"
"well, i wouldn't have told u, but u brought it up"
...so she proceeded to tell me that i was crazy and had no way to be sure and that i needed to see a therapist just to be sure and that maybe a therapist could "cure me" etc...
"does your mamma know?"
"yes"
"well, are u proud?"
"what's not to be proud of? i didn't ask for this. it's what i got. believe me, i wouldn't have chosen this path, had i been given that choice. it's not an easy thing"
so the conversation was over. i didn't want to talk about it, she was obviously having problems meeting an out person.
but then about 20 mins later, so called me back in her room and told me she loved me and that she was proud of me...
kinda confusing, i know, but that made it a little better.
so, i have 2 thoughts from all of this:
1) y would i have ever stopped being loved?
and 2) my aunt ann says that we all choose our own life paths...so, then y did i choose this life? y not another?
Wednesday, November 26, 2003 ::: review the last few got a tattoo
met lindsy's lil sister
dinner w/ hannah and molly
yeah yeah yeah & frozen ass
came to wilson
dad broke his heel/foot
davis is huge
doing laundry
i think that's all...
Saturday, November 22, 2003 ::: rollercoaster of emotions i love playing cards for 5 hours w/ teleportation! ;-)
i'm gonna wake up and it's going to be move-out morning and i gotta be @ work!? GrEaT!!!
my aunt's the best:
You have to mourn the passing of your family as you knew it for many years. As the Buddhist's would explain, the pain has to pass through in order to heal. Just don't let it stagnate and remain. Understand how you can mentally replace the pain with love. Encompass all those things dear to you with a light-filled circle of love. Hang on to that!!! ~from her latest email [put in this post after-the-fact]
i want some1 to hold. or be held by. some1 to watch sleep. to feel his breath on my neck...
...such a mix of up and down
i feel my head's about to explode
the ride's almost over
starting to move slower
help me make a smile from this frown...
Thursday, November 20, 2003 ::: this weekend it's the weekend...
the weekend that my mom moved out. 1 year ago. i helped her pack up and leave. had to watch her drive away. spent 4 hours sitting on my stairs, looking at my empty house, and weeping like i've never done before [or since]. no way to describe that pain. no way to know, unless u know, and the only way for u to know, is to know. tricky.
anyway, so it's been a year. a lot's happened. a lot's changed. a lot's the same. i think i'm actually closer w/ my father now than i ever was. i've grown a lot and become a different person. i've learned a lot [about myself, about my family, about other things and ppl].
hedwig rain falls hard
burns dry
dream
or a song
that hits u so hard
filling u up
suddenly gone
breath feel love
give free
know in your soul
like your blood knows the way
from your heart
to your brain
knows that u'r whole
& u'r shining
like the brightest star
a transmission
on the midnight radio
& u'r spinning
like a 45
ballerina
dancing to your rock and roll
here's to Patti
& Tina
& Yoko
Aretha
& Winnona
& Nico
me
& all the strange rock & rollers
u know u'r doing alright
so hold on to each other
u gotta hold on tonight
stamina-strong...u go, girl! every once in a while, ya have one of those conversations that makes u love a person even more. makes u wonder how it was ever possible to be mad or to not understand. makes u feel like a total ass for taking them for granted or not going out of the way to see how they are/were/etc. it's that conversation that redefines your relationship w/ 1 another. u both cry/laugh/tell stories of the past/plans for the future. u listen and u'r heard when u do speak. u'r honest and open and know that it's all being kept between the 2 of u.
it's moments like these i live for.
realization/discovery it doesn't matter who u r or how close u r, u need time away from ppl, especially your closest friends. u need time apart so that [if for no other reason] u appreciate them that much more when u r together. i've learned first-hand how seeing a person every day can devastate a friendship. in addition to this, all every1 wants is to feel like they're loved and appreciated. remind them once in a while...
thanx, guys, for being there for me when i needed u!
Monday, November 17, 2003 ::: at your funeral if i flooded out your house,
do u think u'd make it out,
or would u burn up
before the water filled your lungs?
& @ your funeral,
i will sing
the requiem.
i'd offer u my hand
it would hurt too much
to watch u die.
& u can bet
when we mourn the death
of you that night
they'll lay me on the dinner table
i will be the pig
w/ the apple in my mouth,
the food that celebrates your end.
& @ your funeral
i will sing
the requiem. ~saves the day
if u want to know your past, look into your present conditions. if u want to know your future, look into your present actions. ~buddhist saying
we are tomorrow's past. ~mary webb [1881-1927], british author
each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart, & his friends can only read the title. ~virginia woolf
converse is back but i guess i'd better start off w/ last nite...
last nite was 40 hands party. i totally won the game tho. i finished my first 40 first and started on my second. matt only hit the first 1 [and behind me, nonetheless]. and poor sam barely got 1/3 of the way into hers, but it's all good [she's practically pocket size!] either way, i had a blast. got to see allison and take random pictures. [i might add that this was my first drunk nite since the tuesday...] pretty sure i pissed off hannah w/ puppy dog [TOTALLY an accident...]. i'd taken him w/ me into the bathroom, cuz i had to pee and he looked lonely, except i left him there, and i think he almost fell in the "terlet." wooops! [i apologized, at least, right?]. matt and i ended up on caroll third somehow. fun over there for a bit. then back home to crash.
was actually relativly on time for work today. got everything done i needed to do. talked w/ tab. joked w/ melissa. [still am getting hit on by middle age plus men and women]. all in all, it's all good.
from work, went w/ adrienne, karolyn, and ashley to freddie's in crystal city. met tab, mason, mj, alice, sue, and virginia there. cute waiter. tall too. was wearing a rune necklace [i think it was called sigel, but i'll have to double check]. i ended up getting a plastic martini mermaid. tim was amazing in performance. some old drag queen grabbed my ass and fell into me a couple of times on purpose. another older man grabbed my shoulder and i'm pretty sure he was thinking about sticking his tongue down my throat, but i scampered off w/ the quickness...
and then we all went home. it was good times. drama free and probably the most fun i've had in quite some time. not to mention it was the first time that i've ever chilled w/ ppl i work w/...[much less @ a gay bar!]
chatted w/ lindsy for a tick. she's sick, poor thing, and didn't go to work. but she has her car back, which is amazing.
and this made my nite even better:
i want the same boy i've been bestfriends with for the past 5 years to be my bestfriend for the next 50 no matter who he dates.
Saturday, November 15, 2003 ::: st. johns wort kinda day i actually had fun @ work today, and then the crew showed up and made it a lil better [just by the surprise]. got home, cleaned up, went to dinner.
bomb threat + friday's on a friday = free meal
drove around for way to long w/ nothing to show for it, tho it was nice to spend time together. anyway, i sortof ended up just going to my own little world. started remebering things i didn't want to remember [or reminisce]...just sorta shut down.
took 5 st. johns wort. maybe i'll be happier tomorrow.
Friday, November 14, 2003 ::: mao learned a new game tonite. rather interresting i might add. totally a cult thing. or maffia, maybe. it was mauvellous!!! other than that, i'm not allowed to say...
been thinking a lot about several different ppl lately...ppl i haven't seen or talked to quite as much as i would've liked to [or could've]. mostly ppl from home, but a few ppl i've been severed from here.
to vabeach ppl: i'll be home for sunday of thanksgiving...let's make it count!
to the mason douche [am i ever subtle?]: i have a lot to say which needs to be said and said in a timely manner [just things i need to get off my chest]...i'll call soon.
flavia: the villagers have had it too easy...may the terror commence [hell, we might even end up in mexico!]
i've also realized it's bad to live in the past, but it most certainly does not hurt to be nostalgic or to remember...
furthermore, i think thanksgiving might grow to be my bane. it's been a year, and i'm still alive--much better now than then. not that it doesn't hurt--it most definitely does--but it's 1 of those things that i feel i might become quite bitter or forget entirely.
wish me luck...i can't do this alone, but i can't accept your help either.
there's so much drama in my system, i'm sure my blood is blue and gold!
when i find myself in times of trouble
mother mary comes to me
speaking words of wisdom , let it be.
and in my hour of darkness
she is standing right in front of me
speaking words of wisdom , let it be.
let it be, let it be
let it be, let it be.
whisper words of wisdom , let it be.
Tuesday, November 11, 2003 ::: email from aunt ann about davis's visit Had a lovely time with Davis. Plus he loves his Aunt Ann!
We enjoyed 2 evenings at the library and brought home a pile of books each night. He loved trying to touch the airplanes hanging from the library ceiling, playing on the computers, interacting with animated toys on the walls especially a spider, and seeing a large display cabinet full of toy fire trucks. Davis and Jared walked around downtown Concord and visited Betsy and Janice's shop, as well as a music store full of guitars and drums. Both boys were in awe of the musical instruments.
Davis loved playing with Jared and Maya. He borrowed Jared's Bob the Builder game complete with a dump truck. Every time he opened the box he sang, "Can we build it? Yes we can." Davis also played with 2 other little boys on the street and ended-up borrowing Drew's transformer airplane. He carried that back to Grandmommie's home.
We were at Mom's the last night that Davis was here. I planned to come home although Davis would remain until Sat. As you well know the separation is emotionally difficult and I wanted to make it as easy as I could. Long before time to come back to the city Davis began telling me he was coming to my house. I ignored his plea until finally he starting purtting his shoes on and begging to come. Then he proceeded to put my shoes on and continue to beg. Mom was actually in favor b/c she had to practice the organ the next am. So we drove to Concord and Davis spent the night with us. It was fun. We borrowed 2 of Jared's CD roms and Davis was able to work with inactive educational games. One was called jump start Pre-school (www.jumpstart.com). He did really well and was glued to the monitor the entire time. The other program was Tonka Workshop. Davis was able to build from numerous blueprints using plastic tools attached to the keyboard. He became quite efficient with the tools and anticipated each subsequent command. I think that he built an airplane (naturally), a helicopter, a rocking horse, a skateboard, a robotic spider, a doghouse, etc. He loved it!
Everytime we drove through the town at night Davis spotted quite a few buildings that reminded him of "Granddaddy's beach house." It was actually amazing that he related architectural features that truly resembled the beach hotel. I bet that he asked to see his Daddy 10 times a day. A few times he would tell me that he saw Amy walking down the road. He's so funny. He always identified Anna in a photo as Aunt Ann. Oh, he discovered my guitar and had to play. I couldn't get it away from him. He mimicked some of my strums and pickings. Then I heard him sing the ABC song while he played. That kid loves music and sings very well.
Davis had a blast at Aunt V's. He called her B. ... Davis loved seeing the horses and briefly (very briefly) sat on the back of one. He preferred swiping flies from the horse's eyes.
Of course, Davis loves being at Mom and Dad's house--inside and out. He loves playing the piano as well as roaming the yard(s), sitting on the yard tractors, visiting the neighborhood animals (goats, horses, dogs and rabbit), and working in the flower garden with Mom. She let him cut his own flowers with the clippers. Sounds like another little boy some years ago.
What a cute baby! I hope that Davis has tremendous opportunities in life. He's a bright little boy.
Of all the irrational numbers, you are the most famous. You have many friends and fans. Like many people, non-Euclidean geometry makes you feel uncomfortable. You are involved in so many things that it seems like it would take two of you to make ends meet.
You are particularly close to the rational number 22/7. However, you and e have been called "remarkable."
Saturday, November 08, 2003 ::: semicharmed kind of life today was supremely mundane. work was work. felt like i was asleep the whole time. didn't really want to deal w/ customers, or the new ppl we have. tabitha makes working easier. she and i relate. it's all good.
got off work and hung out w/ lindsy. went to the mall to see if i could get some new birx, but they didn't have my size. tried to get haircut, but the place was already closed, so we went to get thai. i knew it was "party night," but i needed lindsy time, and i've been down a lil lately. on occasion, i have to take a step back and do something that matters to me. lately, everything's been "ehn."
saw the eclipse... breath-taking...
rio and stefan both made me feel better in the little things they said. the little things that always makes u feel better because no1 else hears it...it's like your own little secret.
i think i need a break [but i won't say from what]...
Friday, November 07, 2003 ::: fix it! i can't see the comments...i don't know y!!! any1 out there know much about html slash template stuff? gimme a buzz!!!
just saw matrix3...made me contemplate a thing or 2...will fill in blanks later...
Tuesday, November 04, 2003 ::: every once in a while, u just need a good cry got a phone call while @ dinner this evening. it was my brother. he's visiting concord for a few days, so they had him call me. he told me about the horses, and the trains, and all that good stuff... i asked him where he was; he said, "right here." it struck a nerve in me somewhere. i wanted to just burst into tears right then, but couldn't...i didn't want them to see me cry... so i choked it back... i wanted to say to him, "no, u'r not right here and haven't been for nearly a year!" my, how time flies... but i just smiled and kept talking...
watched another episode of qaf, which grows increasingly hard to do. keeps reminding me of stuff i just want to forget. stuff that hurts to remember.
went to jazzmans to study, and i started working on my psych paper. i got a little into what i think i want to write about, but then my mind started wandering, and i couldn't help but feel like my body should be doing the same. went back to the room and did all the dishes...to keep me busy. then i absolutely had to get out.
went roaming on campus and vented a little to linds. got some things off my chest. realized a few things too. i hate cutting ppl out of my life, no matter what the situation. when i'm overly similiar to a person, it makes it that much harder to be close friends 24-7. ppl need breaks from one another. all ppl. in all situations. it's hard to see happy ppl when that's not what i am. not what i can be. misery loves company. and no matter how much i know it won't happen, no matter how much i know it shouldn't happen, i want my parents to be back together... or at least be civil to one another... i mean, u'r 45 years old...ACT LIKE IT!!!
and every once in a while, i just need a good cry and to know that i'm loved...
the most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ~henry ward beecher
i like not only to be loved, but also to be told that i am loved. i am not sure that you are of the same mind, but the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. this is the world of light and speech, and i shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear ~george eliot
to love someone is to see a miracle invisible to others. ~francois mauriac
recap work, as usual, sux.
i missed an anne rice book signing [but thanx for letting me know!]
jessi's awesome; i love her!
joey's cute.
chris [adorable] & i watched dark crystal.
daphne is married.
i need sleep.
i would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief ~gerry spence how to argue and win every time
it is this belief in a power larger than myself and other than myself which allows me to venture into the unknown and even the unknowable ~maya angelou
Saturday, November 01, 2003 ::: quotes just finished reading queen of the damned today, and there are a few passages i liked...
"...it is as if the human species has grown immune to such things; it has evolved perhaps to a higher stage where the antics of spirits no longer befuddle it. and tho religions linger--old religions which became entrenched in darker times--they are losing their influence among the educated very rapidly."
"...i turned to the family as if it were the very spring of life itself... and the family taught me the rhythms and passions of each new age; the family took me into alien lands where perhaps i never would have ventured alone; the family took me to realms of art which might have intimidated me; the family was my guide thru time and space. my teacher, my book of life. the family was all things."
"...history is a litany of injustice, no one denies it. but when has a simple solution ever been anything but evil? only in complexity to we find answers. thru complexity men struggle towards fairness; it is slow and clumsy, but it's the only way. simplicity demands too great a sacrifice. it always has."
"i tell u, we would be hard put to determine what is more evil--religion or the pure idea. the intervention of the supernatural or the elegant simple abstract solution! both have bathed this earth in suffering; both have brought the human race literally and figuratively to its knees.
don't u see? it is not man who is the enemy of the human species. it is the irrational; it is the spiritual when it is divorced from the material; from the lesson in one beating heart or one bleeding vein."
